It's clear that I have nothing to write about. So I will let you know what's going on in the epic video game I have been playing lately.
The game is
Gladius"and it focusses on a young gladiator,
Valens (voiced by Michael Rosenbaum), who is going to travel all over the place to different towns and fighting in gladiator battles until he gets to the grand championship. Why? Something to do with his father's death. And something about a war of the gods.
Anyway, he's got his trusty and loyal asshole friend (read: lover),
Ludo, with him. Ludo is voiced by the great voice actor
Jason Marsden. You may know him as the guy that played the young Burt Ward in the 2003 CBS movie, "Return to the Batcave." I certainly do.
Ludo is a straight up asshole. He is basically racist against all people who aren't from Imperia (where they are from). He's a little sexist too. Ludo only looks out for one guy: Ludo. I don't know why Valens keeps him around. He must be a good kisser.
Anyway, so you fight in various towns against a wide array of humans, animals, demon beasts, yetis, witches, monsters, minotaurs, giants, ogres, and undead skeletons (because the game is true to history). Along the way you recruit other fighters into your school. My favourite recruit is one of my earliest recruits. She's a bandit named Angelisca (or something) and she is a wicked good fighter. I have turned her into a level 11 fighter from a level 4. That is because I am amazing.
So I win all the battles and championships in Imperia, so I move on to the next land, which is in the North and is called Nordagh. I kind of get the impression that Nordaghians are mocking Canadians.
I should stop here and mention that Gladius is a game that was created by George Lucas, so you get those awesome ethnic stereotypes that you get in the Star Wars movies.
So in Nordagh you get to add a new recruit to your school, much to the annoyance of Ludo. It's a princess of the North named
Ursula. (You can actually choose to play the game as her or Valens, with a different story line for each. I guess that no matter which you choose, you end up joining forces with the other eventually). Ursula has a really annoying voice. I also think that all of the voice acting was pretty phoned in. I am going to say only one take.
By the time I left Nordagh I had a pretty big school, which included the Ursula and Ursula's brother, who is also kind of a dick. Ludo doesn't like him. Valens just wants everyone to get along. He is also clearly falling for Ursula, and that is making me gag. The school also has a Yeti (or at least it did. I got rid of the Yeti. I don't need no damn Yetis in my school), a wolf, and an undead skeleton (as Ludo said, he doesn't eat, so he doesn't cost the school anything, so why not bring him along?).
Now I am in a land called Windward Steppes, which is a weird name. It is obviously supposed to be Asian because all the people there speak with vague Japanese accents. In this land a new chick joins your team and she is really useful. She is a wicked good archer. And
she knows it. Oh, that plucky archer. Always seducing boys and then shooting poison arrows into their hearts. Ludo isn't impressed, but Valens is clearly smitten. Ursula might get jealous.
Speaking of jealous, after one battle a ridiculous-looking porno Cleopatra-style character slinked over to Ludo and oozed praise all over him, trying to entice him into quitting his quest with Valens and to join her in her... palace? Or something. He looked pretty tempted, but refused. Valens didn't like her. I didn't like her. Ludo stood by his friend, but when Valens told him that she was bad news, Ludo got angry. I think we'll be seeing more of evil porno Cleopatra.
The best part of Windward Steppes is that Valens has changed his outfit to one that has him shirtless. I approve.
The game has a geeky sense of humour to it. And it is as addictive as crack. I will give updates on what happens to this motley crew.